**sara**

happy birthday to meeee :)

please pray for my baby niece mallory and that she will be ok.

happy 3rd birthday to my baby brother ben!!!

Happy Thanksgiving...i really am thankful for a lot of things this year, though, i know i dont usually act like it. im most thankful for my beautiful girlfriend, lizzie. i love you more than anyone. you make me able to get up in the morning and your smile and laugh can light up any room. im thankful for my friends. they help me get through the day especially lisa cause i know that she always understands and doesnt judge me for what i do. im thankful for my family even when they dont always support the way i choose to live my life i know that they will always love me.

sorry for this corny, cheesy entry.

i had a good day today. had lunch with my dad which was nice, and then liz and i went to mcdonalds to help decorate for christmas. fun fun.

bye bye :)

had a great time in minnesota....but now im sick. :{ this sucks. i think i am getting a cold. ill write more about my trip tomorrow. goodnight.

happy one year and six months anniversary baby!!! i love you <3

yea!!! i just got to feel krista's baby kick!!!!! its so cool. im going to be an auntie :)

lisa, i thought you would like this:
http://chrisevans3d.com/files/iq.htm

hehe. i was just reading some articles on this news site, and its pretty sad when other countries are calling americans "dumb" and "stupid" for reelecting bush. one heading on a newspapar in europe read "how can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" with a big picture of bush on it. another one read "oops, they did it again." even they know how bad he is!!!! how sad is that...

im just so sick of everything. school sucks. work sucks. life sucks.
i want to crawl into my bed and just never wake up. i guess i could make that happen, but i dont have the guts to do it. nor could i let lizzie see that. i never want to hurt her again. she is just so wonderful and sweet to me. i dont deserve it. i dont deserve for anyone to care so much for me.

blah. on a happier note, we go to minnesota in exactly one week. i cant wait to see my brothers. it will be nice to "run away" for a few days too. no decatur, no people, no school, no work. it will be nice, but as we all know i will come back and go right back to the same routine. nothing changes. there are no "good" days. just days of hurting and sadness and sometimes wanting to die....

today was a pretty shitty day. all day. i knew when i woke up that it was going to be shitty. one of those days where the littlest things would throw me off, and what do you know it did.

i went to my first class, biology. my teacher sucks. she is always late to class anywhere from 10-15 minutes. when she gets there it takes her another 10-15 to get organized and then today she left and didnt come back until 10 minutes before class was supposed to end. she has been like this the past three weeks. i understand how sometimes you have other shit going on that can distract you, but its not fair to the students who pay a billion dollars to go to school. im there to learn not sit there and waste my time. i feel bad, but shit its not my fault.

okay, then i skipped my second class. no one else was going so i didnt go either.

tonight, working 4-close sucked. i guess it started out alright. i liked the people i worked with tonight, but i was just in one of the moods where you say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing and i was bound to get pissy. first, there was this incident with this customer. (i dont feel like going into detail) just picture a crazy person yelling and screaming at us. then from that moment things just added to it. i hate when someone you know is completely capapble and smart acts like they dont know what they are doing just because they dont want to be in a certain position. it frustrates me so much, and then to top it off when you joke about how they are acting like they are "stupid" (eventhough they arent by any means) they get mad and say you are hurting their feelings. grrrr....im part to blame for this because on any other night i wouldnt have gotten so frustrated but jeez....

to top off this "wonderful" day-kerry is going to lose (if they havent already announced in the time i have been in here.) 4 more years of bush. help us....

i dont want to hurt liz but i have a feeling that i may end up doing so.

yeah so i fucked up again today. liz was bawling tonight after i got home from work and she saw it. guilty and ashamed. why am i so stupid???? it was pretty bad. worse than i have done in awhile. not too mention i did it different. i dont know. on my lower arm it looks more like a big red spot until you look at it closer. theres more up top. im not sure what triggered it this morning. i was just sitting here thinking and had the urge. someone else saw it today too. and i know that it upset them also cause i know that it upsets me too to see it on them. im sorry. sorry that im retarded and stupid and you would think that i would have outgrown this by now.

lisa got a new car. its really nice. red and sporty. she looks like a freakin bitchy prep now. :)

its stacys birthday today. yea. happy birthday to her.

time for bed.

Happy Halloween.....i really could care less about it. i have to work 4-close. liz will be here passing out candy by herself. we will probably be busy at work and of course everyone took today off so i dont have very many people so ill get my ass kicked and then ill come home all stressed out. (nice sentence)

last night was interesting. julie, stacy, liz, and i went to a the movie, the grudge. scared the shit out of me. no one else liked it. oh, well. then, later that night i actually went to two bars. so very not like me, but it was fun. well, we werent really at either one very long, but still it made me step out of my little box. we went to flashbacks (yes, the gay bar) with jeff and mark. lisa and this other girl, calisa, met up with us there. jeff was feeling uncomfortable because he was drinking with them there, and we were all sort of annoyed by how loud it was so julie suggested that we go back to her house, of course, this meant that they didnt want lisa and calisa to come (not because they dont like them just so they could drink and not feel uncomfortable about it.) of course, they all leave and so i am left behind to have to tell lisa. i felt so bad. i know it was mean, but what was i supposed to do....i dont want them to think it was anything personal, you know, jeff just freaks out cause he could get in trouble. i dont think any of us were going to go to work and be like " hey,we all went to the gay bar together." im sorry :( i really am.

my head is already pounding so im sure today will be a great day.

i have a lot on my mind tonight, but im too tired now.

night.

i hate feeling like this. i dont want to do anything. nothing makes me happy. except for one thing, and im trying so hard to be "good." this thing is affecting everything. school, work, liz and i, friends, family...i havent felt like doing homework in like two weeks. i try i really do. i just cant concentrate on it for more than a few minutes. i would rather just sit or sleep or eat. anything, but studying. im so distracted at work too. its like when im there im really not. i think about everything but what i am supposed to think about. you know, stupid manager stuff, is the store clean, are we making our times, is the food fresh blah, blah, blah....i can tell that its been bad at work cause julie and i dont get along unless im happy, little cheerful sara who likes to joke around and make fun of people. sometimes when i think about what makes a good friend and who they are in my life i think that julie really isnt one. it used to be that i would go to julie when my life was falling apart or just when i wanted to talk, but now its like i cant. i can only tell her the happy stuff. thats all that she wants to hear. like the other night, when liz and i got into a fight and i needed to talk to someone i didnt call julie. cause i knew that she didnt want to hear it. she wouldnt want to hear how i cut my arms and legs up or how i didnt know what to do anymore, how i felt like i was failing at being a good girlfriend. i just wanted to hear that everything was going to be alright,and to know that someone cared, and i couldnt call her and expect her to say that. dont get me wrong, i love julie, i love hanging out with her and stacy. its just there isnt really that closeness that used to be there. shes like one of my best friends through the good times, but not the bad.

ok, this is getting long and drawn out.

night.

simple plan's new CD came out today. no money=no CD for me..... :(

hmmm...well, today was alright i guess. liz and i sort of made up. we havent really gotten a chance to really talk about what happened. we just both apologized to each other. i just love her so much and hate hurting her with both my words and actions. i know that i am a controlling bitch and i just hope liz doesnt get sick of me and leave me.....work was fine. i was extremely just not with it but got better around five when there were more people that i liked talking to there. i was taking things very personal today and with every mean thing (or should i say anything that i took as mean) made me want to go cut my arm off. mike kept hittin me in my arm. he doesnt know so its not his fault but it hurt like hell. blah blah. liz is at this girls house "baby-sitting" tonight, so i have to sleep all by myself. :( i miss her. i didnt want her to do it, but this lady is rich and liz said the money she gets can go to going to minnesota.

goodnight.

minnesota in 16 days!!!!!